Gay/Bi men and toxic masculinity

Let’s be honest—gay and bi men are not immune to toxic masculinity. Sometimes, we even end up enforcing the very norms that oppressed us in the first place. This blog is not about blaming. It’s about reflecting. And hopefully, healing.

We see it all the time on apps and in real life: “Masc for masc.” “No femmes.” “No fats, no femmes, no Asians.” That kind of messaging doesn’t just alienate others—it corrodes us too. Toxic masculinity isn’t just about how we treat other people. It’s also about what we deny ourselves.

Policing Ourselves and Each Other

From a young age, many of us were taught that being “like a girl” was the worst thing we could be. Some of us were beaten, shamed, or bullied for crossing those invisible lines. So it’s no surprise that, later in life, we might overcompensate—going out of our way to perform masculinity, and then expecting it from others.

This shows up in:

• Shaming femme men

• Only dating men who are “straight-acting”

• Feeling shame around being a bottom

• Cock size 

• Compulsive gym goals

And let’s be real—this isn’t about “preference.” This is about conditioning. Misogyny has taught us to devalue anything feminine, and many of us have internalised that.

Objectification and the Illusion of Desire

You see it on apps all the time: “XL,” “XXL,” “hung,” “8+ inches,” “no fats,” “must be shredded.” Suddenly, we’re not people anymore—we’re body parts. Muscles, height, cock size. It’s a checklist. A product description. It’s less “tell me about yourself” and more “what are you packing and how hard is your six pack?”

And yet—people are surprised when they feel objectified? When they’re wanted only for sex? If all you’re offering is a body part, don’t be shocked when that’s all someone wants. You can't reduce yourself to a torso and a dick pic and then feel betrayed that no one’s asking how your day was.

I’ve seen guys ONLY chase after gym-built men who then get upset if someone comments on their dick size. How does that work? You want people to only value the surface—but only in the areas that flatter you?

When you engage in transactional dynamics, don’t be surprised when people treat it like a transaction. And guess what? Sometimes people return what they bought online. 

Sex—and not the fun kind. The compulsive kind.

I’ve seen friends hook up with someone and be back on Grindr before they’ve even showered.As though it’s not about connection at all, just another tick on a list. Like Pokémon, but the tag line is “gotta fuck them all”?!

You hit orgasm and instantly need another. And another. Not because you’re insatiable—but because something’s missing. And no amount of bodies will fill that gap.

One guy told me he went to a sex party and ended up fucking with someone just to get access to someone else. Like there was a toll to be paid to reach the “trophy” hookup. What kind of intimacy is that?

When you treat others like stepping stones, don’t act shocked when someone walks all over you too. It becomes a cycle—of using, being used, and wondering why we feel empty after so much “fun.”

It’s not about moralising sex. It’s about asking what it’s doing for you—and what it’s costing you. And whether you’re using sex to numb, avoid, or perform—rather than to connect, enjoy, or feel.

Misogyny in Queer Clothing

In straight culture, “fuckboys” use women’s bodies for fun and then disappear. And if we’re being honest, we’ve recreated that dynamic in queer male spaces—ghosting, breadcrumbing, and treating people like they’re disposable after sex.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: we’ve internalised toxic straight male behaviour. We shame femininity. We shame softness. Tops shame bottoming. But…who do tops need to fuck with? Bottoms.

Let's unpack this: you want a guy who isn't a bottom, doesn’t like bottoming, but is somehow willing to bottom for you… out of reluctance? What does that sound like? I’ll give you a clue—it rhymes with grape. That’s how twisted this logic is. And don’t think porn hasn’t clocked it either—rape fantasy is a whole category because there’s a market of toxic men who eroticise domination without consent. This is misogyny, repackaged. We’ve absorbed it and now we’re using it against each other.

Bottoming is not weakness. Femininity is not inferior. And being submissive doesn’t make you less of a man. But shaming others for being any of those things? That absolutely makes you less of a decent human and those who coerce people into submission, well that's abuse. Period!

Where’s the Substance?

We talk a lot about wanting a partner who’s funny, smart, emotionally available. But then, many chase after the same emotionally unavailable, hyper-masculine guys. Finding someone who’s well-rounded can feel like searching for a unicorn in a sea of shirtless profile pics.

Because we’re encouraged to develop our bodies, not our minds. Nor our sense of humour or our emotional intelligence. If all your energy is going into staying shredded, what’s left for developing the other parts of you? The parts that make someone truly attractive?

The Mental Health Toll

This obsession with being masc, ripped, desirable—it comes at a cost. Depression. Anxiety. Body dysmorphic disorder. Low self-esteem masked by bravado.

You’re chasing something you’ll never catch because it’s not real. Perfection doesn’t exist. And the more you tie your worth to external validation, the more you’ll feel like you’re never enough.

And it’s not just hurting you. When you treat others like they’re not good enough, not hot enough, not masc enough, you create trauma. You leave scars.

Let’s Do Better

We all have work to do. No one is perfect. But maybe it’s time to:

• Question where your “preferences” come from

• Challenge your own biases about masculinity and femininity

• Stop treating people like trophies or toys

• Start valuing emotional connection and kindness

Masculinity is not the problem. Toxic masculinity is. The idea that strength means silence. That desire means domination. That softness is shameful.

There’s nothing wrong with being masc. Or femme. Or anything in between. What’s wrong is using those identities to hurt or devalue others—or ourselves. 

It’s not about abandoning the gym or rejecting attraction.  Go to the gym, build muscle, build strength AND build emotional intelligence, build emotional regulation skills, build compassion, build courage to say no to toxicity. Build desires rooted in respect. Building connections that last longer than a swipe. It's about making space for every kind of queer expression—including the parts that don’t fit the masc mould.

Let’s be sexy. Let’s be strong. Let’s be soft. Let’s be real.

You deserve love that doesn’t require you to shrink or perform. And so does everyone else.

#ToxicMasculinity #QueerMentalHealth #GayMenHealing#BiMenDeserveBetter #BottomShaming #FemmeVisibility#BodyPositivity #QueerSelfLove #LGBTQWellbeing#FightingFear